Lying on the bed, awake and alone. The ceiling fan casts a small enough breez to cool me off just right. It almost never does that. it's almost always too much.

i'm sensitive to that kind of shit.

Anyways, i'm watching the blades turn, but i realize i can't see the blades themselves, just the shadows that they cast on the ceiling.

You can't see white on white, even in the dark.

i can feel my dick hanging out my underwear. i put in back in, because even when nobody else is, God is watching.

The train that i never heard before i moved here goes by. it's far, and i like the sound. my phone, for whatever reason, blinks, and lights a small corner of the ceiling in blue. A dog, that is not mine, is lying next to me, and even with all this life, it's very very quiet.

4 new messages, but 5 missed calls. All people i've fucked, am gonna fuck, or who want me to fuck them, in one way or another.

guess_who didn't leave a message.

I can feel my nose bleeding, i don't know why. it's not cocaine. there wasn't any fighting. i must have wished it into bleeding. i wanted it to bleed. i wanted something to bleed. might as well be the nose, because it bleeds a lot, it doesn't have to hurt, and a bloody face is really impressive. and you don't have to lick it to taste it. it just drips into your mouth, and i love that.

i forget that these sheets aren't mine, and i turn my head sideways. the blood makes mickey mouse shapes on the pillow and it reminds me of the time i was really really high and i just kind of drooled all over this pillow and i had to keep moving my head and i don't know why i just drooled so much, but i did, until evenutally, i pulled my head up from all the slobber and the entire pillow had a huge mickey mouse shaped drool stain and all i could think of to say was awwww...

i feel you getting farther away, mentally. like if i could throw a rock through my head, through my thoughts, i'd have to try a lot harder to hit you.

but i still want to hit you.